Grow up or Glow up?
I am a new found Bad Bitch. And I like it.
For so long I’ve been a side character in my own life, because I put other people first, 99% of the time, and do you know what? It’s not healthy. I want my own story, with the 90’s version of Julia Roberts playing me in the movies and a touring stage show. Ok well we haven’t got that far yet, but never say never, eh?
This discovery has made me realise that I’m friggin great, and I can do anything if I put my mind to it. It’s given me the confidence to recognise that I am a good person, and I deserve the same amount of respect that I so readily give to other people. It’s shown me that I am in control of my life, and I can put myself first. Long self appreciation paragraph short, this accidental glow up has opened my eyes to what boundaries I want to set in my life.
Setting boundaries when you’re a people pleaser can be soooo difficult! You compromise your boundaries for how others feel about them, which, coming to think of it, isn’t a fair thing to have to choose.
I’m currently trying to toe the line between being assertive and letting this injustice fueled rage take over, but I’d say I’m slowly getting the hang of it.
I realised that I gave so much to other people, that I was actually unconsciously taking it away from myself. Obviously doing good things for people you care about is amazing, but not when it’s all the time. I wasn’t only pouring from an empty cup, I felt like I was the cup and I was sacrificing little pieces of myself by going out of my way to do things for other people, that come to think of it, I couldn’t put my hand on my heart and say that they’d do the same in return. So I’ve decided enough is enough.
I need to stop encouraging people to walk all over me, and then get upset when I don’t have someone there when I need them. I need to stop feeling bad for altering my boundaries when people don’t like that I’ve stopped shifting everything in my life around to accommodate what they want, when they want. I need to start treating myself with the same respect I give to others. I need to fill the shoes of this bad bitch that I’m growing into!
"I need to fill the shoes of this bad bitch that I’m growing into!"
Ok, dramatic motivational music over, but I’m serious. We need to stop expecting people to respect our boundaries when we don’t respect them ourselves. And if I’m totally honest, this empowering journey is far from perfect. Just because I’ve learned that I need to put myself first, it doesn’t mean that I don’t struggle to stick to these boundaries. I’m easily persuaded and fall back into old habits of not respecting my boundaries and time. These moment’s are the ones where I’ve realised that the new me is coming back too strongly. I’m jumping straight to the defensive when I think someone is pushing too far, or taking the piss. Instead of easing into it. Not gonna lie, it hasn't been easy. Reaching the balance of accommodating what others expect of me, but not sacrificing what's best for me, is pretty tricky!
When I reflect on what the pre bad bitch version of me would have been asked, it generates a fire inside me as I realise how unfair it is of people to expect that much from me, knowing I had the inability to say no to it. So striking that balance has been difficult, but I’ve found that explaining why, either to myself or to the individual that I’m setting that boundary, helps me feel better about it, once I’ve reassured my anxious mind that it is valid and I’m not being silly. There’s still a long way to go, but as long as we keep trying, I think it’s a pretty good place to start.
It’s easy to sit here and say YES, I’m smashing it, on a good day, but on the days that aren’t so great, I think I’ve found a good way to maintain this new energy. I’ve started looking back at times where I’ve been expected to do more, but I’m giving all I can, and instead of feeling disheartened and let failure get to me, I’ve tried to change my perspective. For example this anxious little bean sometimes struggles with going into a busy supermarket. My tiny mind gets frazzled and my fight or flight tells me to get the F out of there. On some days, it’s absolutely fine to leave. And when people try and make you believe otherwise, or that you were being silly or not trying hard enough - F them too. Needing to leave situations that you’ve tried to conquer but couldn’t hack doesn't make you any less of a bad bitch. Because bad bitches need rest too. And that is ok. As long as we try and push ourselves, and try again another day when we feel up to it, it’s ok to put up those boundaries, not only for other people, but for ourselves too.
"Bad bitches need rest too."
To be honest the only time I’ve felt really anxious recently is when people push me when I’m already trying so hard, because I’m clearly “not trying hard enough”. What’s a gal got to do around here to get some goddamn respect and recognition?! I am good enough and I am trying. I showed up and that counts a great deal.
The takeaway? Don’t get bogged down by people or comments that make you feel like you’re not good enough. If you can say that you’re trying, and you’re showing up for yourself, that’s all anyone can ask for! It’s ok that it’s frustrating. We should be hella proud of ourselves for what we’re doing.
Welcome to a new chapter of your self discovery journey, you’re gonna smash it.