I realise that people will be inundated with 2019 Instagrams and summaries etc but if anything, and part of why I started this blog, is a tracker through time of my life. Whether that’s events that happened or just waves of thought I was having at that point. This is more a love-letter to myself if anything, but if you’re interested please feel free to read it.
‘I feel somewhat satisfied with what I’ve achieved this year‘
I’m very much at that age of ‘finding yourself’, finding your feet in the world and learning a hell of a lot. And as much as 2018 was the trigger for it all, I feel 2019 – the end of first year, beginning of second year and everything else has very much been a year of learning, development and becoming. In so many ways: my degree, my culture, my blog, my health and lifestyle, my future – everything. For one of the first times I can really remember, I feel somewhat satisfied with what I’ve achieved this year, with the places I went (mentally and physically) and the people I’ve surrounded myself with. It’s been a good year.
I think though for me, it feels like my year really started with the birth of Matriarch. I had absolutely no idea or, sadly, no hope of what it would come to. And whilst no I don’t have 1000 followers on Instagram and yes my readers have gone down, creating the community and the umbrella of Matriarch has been incredible. A thing in which I can be me, be open, be real – and feel absolutely no awkwardness, shame or embarrassment for doing it. And a massive part of that was embracing and celebrating who I am – every loud, nerdy, curvy, Indian inch of myself. I can’t say I could ever do that, pre-Matriarch.
‘…way more than any other outlet ever offered me’
The scope Matriarch has given me in order to explore myself, my lifestyle, my culture etc is huge, bigger than I ever thought. I wrote about body confidence, living in a patriarchal culture, racism on social media, the list goes on. That is an amazing thing, whether or not anyone’s listening. That’s way more than any other outlet ever offered me. The number of things I could say to celebrate Matriarch are unimaginable so I’m gonna stop there.
But note to self: never forget what Matriarch’s done for you, and never underestimate the power of your words.
This year, another major milestone was letting myself breathe in order to change my lifestyle. I was trying to force myself for so long to become ‘healthier’ and change my ways but with force, it didn’t work. So I went completely against my instincts as a person and let go of trying to control it and just let myself be free. I indulged, I enjoyed myself – sometimes too far – and it was this acceptance of relinquishing control that allowed me to finally understand what I wanted my lifestyle to be. I didn’t want it to be a calorie counted – good/bad food guilt riddled life with forced exercise. I wanted more activity in my life (enter B_ND store), I wanted more nourishing, nutritional food whilst also enjoying myself with food I loved. Once I realised what I really wanted, getting there became a hell of a lot easier…
Note to self: the time sacrificed to wait for the answer is so much more worth it than the difficulty of forcing it to happen.
The final thing this year that was a massive thing for me was appreciation. Appreciation of my culture, my degree, my body and the people around me – that list is not exhaustive either. I think taking my culture out of its pen, taking it into the light and discussing it – the good, the bad and the ugly was so key in developing my relationship with it but also my appreciation for its beauty and strength. I am so lucky to have that. And what was more was having it be incorporated into my degree through Indian art was just amazing (I’m going to do a full post on this) but this year, I’ve really found things in my degree that I love and have grown such an appreciation for it.
Finally, it’s the people around me I am so appreciative of and lucky for. Whether it was family members who supported my content that criticised our culture or friends who blindly and undeniably supported me day to day, thank you. Genuinely that support is irreplaceable and the power of it is just incredible.
Note to self: never forget to thank and remember the people who got you where you are, support you and put a smile on your face. That kind of love is rare.