Heartbreak and all its languages by Rebecca Lyngwa

I have been told I have a lovely smile so every morning I always tend to smile and then take my first step of the day. This happens even when I am having an off day or just emotional for no reason, but the funny thing is you can never see my smile. The trick is that I usually convince myself that I am smiling on the inside.

So, what does Heartbreak mean for you?

Before we progress to talking about heartbreak and all its glorious wonderment, here is a little something about me… People call me Bee/ Bec or what I am formerly known as ‘Rebecca Lyngwa’, I am from Nottingham but originally brought up and raised in India and I am currently working in retail, attempting to save as much money as I can. I have always dreamed of travelling the world, witnessing the Earth’s beauty, and experiencing all it has to offer, and I strongly believe this will be my destiny one day. I hope to continue my journey of personal growth and learning the value of life and having kind people around.

When I was given this opportunity to write a piece, any piece that felt close to my heart, my first instinct was a poem because it’s usually my go-to, but I then decided to challenge myself out of my comfort zone and share my personal story alongside it. I have always struggled sharing my feelings with people and when I had chances to, it was either all or nothing, which often led to nothing and I continued to cope with a lot on my own. At the hardest times, I felt my mind was this huge minefield as I struggled to find the words when it came to sharing my hurt or my story with someone else.

The intention behind beginning my growth journey was mainly based on my negative attitude, particularly when it came to my body, discouraging thoughts and having the wrong people in my life. Only recently, I decided to stop battling and instead strive to be better in any way that would shine light on my past of disarray.

I have been blessed to be surrounded with caring people my whole life and I live a normal existence with a standard proportion of grief, but it was not until my favourite person in my life passed away and I completely shut down. The circumstances did not favour my grieving process which led to somehow feeling the tragedy of every loss in my life.

For a very long moment I felt my heart break and I am still searching for all the pieces, but I am not ready to let go off this heartbreak just yet.

I always wondered how we could silence the suffering and how we could permanently mute the aches of every memory shared with the people we used to love the most. I would try to distract my mind in every way possible, but the pain always seemed to find its way back to me, so I decided to then try physical activities but no luck there either. Finally, it took some doing but what eventually helped release the anguish and hurt was recognising my belief.

Time for a little spiritual journey…

You see when my world felt like it was closing in on me and I could not breathe, my beliefs were challenged, and I questioned everything and almost lost myself in the process. The sheer thought of placing myself in that situation again scares me till today. I ultimately lost faith.

It was as if my body and mind were two separate physical entities, and I constantly found myself trying to reach for a connection somehow, somewhere. I felt my heart no longer belonged to me, my feelings were misplaced, and I questioned why people closest to me kept leaving.

But what I failed to acknowledge was that the living deserve to live. The here and now proved infinitely more important, and the desire to remember the teachings, the happiness, and the heart-warming memories I now have, made me realise that at this moment in time I crave warmth, humour, love. I realised that heartbreak does not have to be so extremely heart-breaking but a celebration of life as we remember every single memory that we were blessed enough to experience with the people we loved and love.

As I searched for that feeling of being ‘grounded’, along the way I found comfort in the most obvious things that I never did before. I realised how blind I had been to positive social media exposure and the countless number of free resources available to guide so many of us through difficult times. It dawned upon me that I had alienated a great deal of joyous laughter in my life, which followed sources of light such as family and friends trying to reach through.

Discovering the world in a new light that was so open for healing was mesmerising.

I was so focused on truly opening my heart and helping it heal which allowed me to encounter old and new relationships with a more freeing nature. I found comfort for heartbreak in music and the outdoors which always often leads to making notes on my phone that form a story in prose. This usually led to a short poem for my collection so I could one day share with the world. My healing journey involves many hours of singing out loud, dancing, working out and taking beautiful pictures that make me happy. Currently the favourite part of my routine involves a lot of dancing before the mirror and I always speak ‘I will be okay, and I am grateful to be here’ out loud into existence.

Throughout my journey of personal growth, I learned that I never valued my life the way I should and found with that, came a healthy way to grieve. Heartbreak and all its languages do not have to consume your inner self and break you too.

May we continue to blossom.

Rebecca Lyngwa

My name is Rebecca Lyngwa. I’m from Nottingham. Currently working in retail. I’m passionate about poetry, fitness, animals, reading, languages and enjoy creative art. I’d love to continue learning and to hopefully one day be abroad living and learning new cultures and connect with humans.

I’d love everyone if not yet already to be obsessed with Jay Shetty’s podcasts and outlook on life - he’s helped me heal and laugh and I’m very grateful and secondly Morgan Harper Nichols is absolutely beautiful! Her words are magical she has podcasts, daily healing words and an app called storyteller which has new stories everyday and I’d recommend them both so much